Memoirs of an Anti-Geisha Manifesto Pranks Press
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Frequently Un-Asked Questions

We take the questions that the other mail- order bride websites tackle (and some they don't even bother to acknowledge) and give you the REAL answers.

Why aren't your brides wearing any of those Chinese dresses or kimonos? All the other mail order bride sites have the women wearing them. And even those fighting pictures, you could have at least put them in one of them Kung fu outfits, those really turn me on.

Aiyah! Well if you haven't guessed by now, this isn't a real mail order bride website. This is a mock mail order bride website. In a real mail order bride website, Asian culture is played up as much as possible so that the women are as marketable as possible. Traditional cultural dress like Kimonos are sexualized and eroticized to make the women look exotic, mysterious, and delicate. This only commodifies Asian culture rather than provide any meaningful or truthful interpretations of the cultural symbols.

Another thing, if we had our brides wearing those "Kung-fu outfits," then we would be making no progress towards showing you who these women really are. They are not cultural pawns for your choosing and nor are they exotic beauties who draw from the strength of some ancient lotus technique. Many of the women have strong ties to their cultures, but they integrate a lifestyle between two worlds. And at that, the split between two cultures isn't even-it is a complex integration of culture, and the degree of integration varies from woman to woman. They do not go about their day to day life wearing silky dresses and doing wu-shu flips and kicks in the air in dubbed English when they go to school and work-so why the hell would they do that for your consumeristic eyes in this site?

When we fight, we fight with adherence to no particular ancient martial arts form or technique (with the exception of Tae-bo). We just kick, punch, and shed blood until you scream, "Uncle!"

Will my bride make an easy adjustment from her Asian Culture to the liberal American lifestyle?

First of all, none of these brides is going home with you because you are a fucking pervert. You may be able to buy yourself a nice little Asian Porno, a buddhist bracelet, or some other object that your capitalistic lifestyle Orientalize-- but you cannot buy these women. They are not for sale.

And as far as your concern that these women will have a difficult time adjusting to life in what you consider a "liberal" America, let me answer your question. Many of these women have lived in America long enough that they are used to bullshit from men like you whose ideal of a "liberated America" is one where 14-year olds are tried as adults, same sex marriages are not recognized by the state, and funding for public arts is scarce and cut continually year after year.

Do your brides speak English?

You fucking dumbshit. Why wouldn't they speak English? Don't you know that the Asian diaspora is over 150 years old in America? Not to mention the fact that the fuck faces who designed the education system in America left little room for the multi-cultural experience to thrive and be shared (Sorry, but the lesson plan on the first Thanksgiving doesn't count). Thus, forcing many people of color, including the brides on this site to learn a strict Western curriculum about how this dumb shit Western leader conquered and spread his disease to that "uncivilized" land. And on top of that, some mother fucker decided that English would be the official language in too many parts of America, forcing those people of color, as if they were not already shamed enough for being "different," and fitting in meant distancing themselves from their cultural traditions as much as possible.

I am a generous Caucasian man looking for a loyal, soft- spoken, and dainty Asian woman (sorta like the exotic Suzy Wong in "The World of Suzy Wong"). Can you assure me that you will find me such a demure creature on your site?

What the fuck? Are you so preoccupied with your patriarchal colonialist longings of global conquest and cultural commodification that your think those kind of mythical people exist?

Reality Check. The women that are featured on real mail-order bride websites are Third world women who come from poor families and social status who are forced to enter the multi-billion dollar sex industry by working in "sex resorts" or being sold off as mail-order brides. The women in real mail-order bride websites do not "fantasize" about loving you, but seek overseas marriage to escape the usually brutal and semi-slavelike conditions that living as a sex worker entails.

If you want a mythical construct like Suzy Wong, the closest thing would be to get the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow to go fuck your sorry dick.

Why do Asian women do better with Western men?

Well, shit, I don't know. Maybe its because we enjoy it "oh so much" when you call us demeaning and belittling names like "Lotus Blossom, " "Oriental," or "Geisha."

Or maybe its because we just can't get enough of how you approach us at say, the MUNI bus stop to try us some whackly pronounced Japanese phrase you picked up from Karate Kid. Maybe we can't help but smile when we watch your pathetic ass do your comedy routine (in, say, Encino, California) and even though the audience is heckling your ass to stop, you continue to spit out lame racist joke after joke.

Or maybe its just that we are so honored that after your welcoming laws like the Chinese Exclusion Act and the WWII internment of Japanese Americans, we are so honored to finally be cool enough for you. Yes! You have really shown us that you care because now our religious icons (like Buddha and Hindu dieties), our languages (only character languages because romanized languages like Vietnamese aren't as cool and foreign looking), and other cultural sacred symbols are exploited in your tattoos, t-shirt logos, and fashion accessoriess. It's so good to be a trend!

I don't know about you but a man who is hell-bent on objectifying me is damn sexy!

Actually, I am not a Caucasian man, but an Asian American who believes in racial unity and harmony. Your site only seems to make Asian Americans look worse than better. How are you going to break stereotypes by creating new ones?

So the wimpy tactics you suggest are those of an armchair academic like yourself. You want me to "dance" around the fact that deeply imbedded anger and frustration are realities in our communities that shouldn't be addressed. Folks like you always criticize the few people in our community who are brave enough to speak up as not being good "representatives" to Asian America. You probably sit at home whining about how "Margaret Cho is a disgrace to Asians," how "Ling on Ally MacBeal only sets us back to being dragon ladies," or how "Amy Tan makes Asian men look bad." Face it, no Asian American is going to be a perfect representative of a community as diverse and confusing as ours. If we aren't the exotic lotus blossoms then we are the Long Duc Dongs. If we aren't either of those, then we drink and smoke too much and beat our wives. If you don't like who is out there "representing" you, then you can't complain because there ain't too much to choose from. What we need is a bigger spectrum of voices.

Go ahead, you don't have to like my site, just make sure you make your own.

So try it, make your own website with cute little drawings of boys and girls of all colors holding hands with sweet marketable slogans like "Eracism" and "No Color Lines". I am sure that those slogans alone will really get people to kick their prejudices aside and come to racial understanding. Or how about some long, drawn-out dissertation thesis on Asian American community that will be completely inaccessible to understand? You can't spend your whole life ignoring there is a bomb out there and turn your backs on it--because it will explode in your own backyard. Do you remember the LA Riots? Or would you rather forget?

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